A guy I've known since freshman year has also decided to embark on an abstinence journey due to his past escapades that have left him a little sour on sex and the effects it has on relationships. Him and I kept in contact in the beginning of the summer to talk about what we've learned, our struggles, and the effects abstinence has on our social lives. It's been awhile since we've spoken. I've called him here and there, but he's been living up his summer experience and I've been trying not to be a nag.
We finally got a chance to catch up with each other a couple days ago and it seems he's met a 30 year old woman, I believe married or seperated with kids, interested in him. The issue is she's more interested in him sexually than emotionally. What he has told me is that he's been a little too touchy feely with her around the private areas of her body, and she's looking to make special trips to Nashville if she can't have him in a more intimate setting where they are.
Now I'm not going to make excuses because my friend is a man. A wise woman once told me that the flesh is weak. Indeed it is. What's disappointing is my friend might end up regressing back to his man whore days when he bounced from woman to woman. I know as a friend I should have a little more faith in him, but I believe the more temptation you involve yourself in, the more likely you are to screw up. He's already crossed the line with touching. And the woman doesn't seem like she's looking for anything long term the way he described her.
So tonight I just want to discuss boundaries. Everyone has boundaries, whether it be dietary boundaries, relationship boundaries, etc. Do you kiss on the first date? How long is too long to have sex with the person you are dating? These are questions that create boundaries. My boundaries?....
I don't kiss on the first date. Or the second. My kiss is determined on how well the vibe is going. First he has to go through first date hell where I interview him on everything I need to know, such as long term goals, short term goals, religion (because as you know I am NOT religious), and relationship status. All of these things are discussed on the first date. If you pass, lol, you can move on the the next round. If you fail, I would rather not waste my time or his on something that will never get serious.
Before the summer, I dated a couple of guys here and there, but they didn't last over a month. Some, not past the first date. I've kissed two, one was forced. He got a little bold and just took the kiss. I didn't feel anything, because it wasn't special, AND he tried to give me his tongue. Which brings me to my next boundary, no tongue kissing AT ALL. Who ever said kissing leads to other things was right. If I like a guy enough to kiss him, a peck is all he gets. And if a really like him then the peck will be longer. But my flesh is took weak to allow tongue kissing. Usually when tongue kissing is involved, the person wants to explore with their hands more and take advantage of the intimate moment by feeling, grabbing, and caressing. No way I refused to get trapped. It's hard enough saying NO.
Another boundary I have is I don't chill alone with a guy when the sun comes down. This includes in the privacy of his own him, a secluded area such as the park, or chatting in the car. I only chill alone with a guy when I've known him for over a month, or I feel comfortable enough with him where he respects my abstinence and won't try anything. Usually, and this is from my experience, the guy's attitude changes when the sun goes down. It's like a warewolf affect. Let's say you're chilling at the park, the sun is up, and you're having a great time having innocent talks. The conversations are flowing, a sunset happens, and then the night comes. You can literally see the pointy ears and the red eyes coming out of the guy you're with, because all of a sudden that nice, innocent conversation leads to truth or dare games and sex questions. If you thought it was hard making a guy focus on your personality then, you'll definitely find it more difficult at night. It's wierd, it's like all of a sudden there's a hidden agenda you didn't know about and he's doing everything he can to get your mind from fuzzy ponies to talking dirty. During those moments, you'll run into some trick questions where you just want to be honest, and truthful, because you like the person (aw). But answering any perverted sex questions, even if your intent is to steer the conversation back to abstinence or relationship talk, is an epic fail, and you'll wind up stuck on a bench with a perverted man sitting next to you getting his rocks of on how good you might be in bed (ah memories).
I haven't been dating lately, so temptation hasn't really been an issue for me. But what really saves me from temptation is the first date. So for anyone having trouble with temptation I advise you to figure out what you want in your future wife or husband and write it down. Does the person want kids? What is their religious background? How do they plan on making money or a living for themselves? Are they an animal person (hint: cat or dog lover)? And most importantly, how important is sex to them in a relationship? Don't sleep with someone for over a year and you find out that they are a Jehovah witness and you are a Baptist. Don't waste years of being with someone and you find out they don't want kids or marriage (that's another thing do they see themselves getting married?). And don't marry someone who you've known all along spends money they don't have. There's so much time and energy that doesn't have to be wasted if you just ask more questions on the first date. We're not getting any younger. Save the precious time you have, figure out who you are and what you want, and then work it out with the person you're dating.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Masturbation YES or NO
MASTURBATION YES OR NO
Last night, before I left work, one of my coworkers asked me if I masturbated. The topic first began when she asked me if I owned a vibrator. When I told her no she was confused and rephrased the question. I answered the same way.
"So like...you don't ever have those lonely nights where you just want to touch yourself?"
"No."
"I mean, you don't masturbate at all?"
"Nope."
"That's impossible!"
"Well I use to masturbate when I was like...14."
"14! You are so lame. I would die, I have to masturbate!"
It was a laugh we shared as we were closing the store, but I explained to her that my reasons for not masturbating is because I didn't want a constant reminder of sex. I mean think about it. Abstaining from sex is hard enough, and if you're really serious about it, like I am, you really want to focus on things other than sex so it won't trigger anything in your body that will make the journey that much harder. I know for me, this is my third try being abstinent, and I can honestly say I came into this journey totally on my A game. I mean I stopped listening to foul music. I looked up foods that might make you aroused, in which I stopped eating. I put limits on what I should and should not do with men, what time periods are appropriate to do them, and what topics to focus on when the sun is up or down. Most importantly, not that I had an issue with it in the beginning, I stopped masturbating. I would just prefer not to tease myself or end up reverting back.
Abstaining from sex may look easy if a vibrator is involved, but it actually makes the journey much harder, in my opinion, if not handicap it. Think of it this way. You are use to having someone pleasure you, whether it is frequently or not. Then you decided to abstain, but you use a vibrator just a frequently as you use to have sex, which is not a crime. However, in my opinion, if you meet a guy, the vibrator can do one of two things. It can trigger something in your emotions or your body with the guy you may be seeing. For example, if things are getting hot and heavy with the man you are seeing, you might allow him to touch you a certain way that could tease you a little. You might decided that the rules you set up in which to kiss the guy you are with are irrelevant, because you subconsciously or consciously want him physically. You might even go as far as to second guess yourself as to the limits you will go to get that much closer to him physically. Once you know it, you'll be fantasizing about the guy you secretly want to have and that vibrator won't do the trick. Now self control is self control, that I do believe. However, don't you think the journey would be a lot easier if you eliminate all aspects of sex rather than giving into a few to suddenly in the end find the journey to be too difficult to handle. In my opinion, if a vibrator is involved and/or used frequently, the chances of completing your abstinent goal is scarce. Having the vibrator in general puts sex in your life (in which you are trying to abstain). So you may negotiate doing oral rather than penetration. It's just a backslide in my opinion and it doesn't trick the mind.
What I'm trying to say is, hormones or uncontrollable hormones are a mind thing. Just because you are feeding the body with your vibrator doesn't mean you are tricking the mind. You have to starve the mind in order to get postitive results. That's what I did. I knew going into this journey the third time around (yes the first and second time did not work)it would require me to make some major changes.
What do you think about masturbation in regards to abstinence?
Last night, before I left work, one of my coworkers asked me if I masturbated. The topic first began when she asked me if I owned a vibrator. When I told her no she was confused and rephrased the question. I answered the same way.
"So like...you don't ever have those lonely nights where you just want to touch yourself?"
"No."
"I mean, you don't masturbate at all?"
"Nope."
"That's impossible!"
"Well I use to masturbate when I was like...14."
"14! You are so lame. I would die, I have to masturbate!"
It was a laugh we shared as we were closing the store, but I explained to her that my reasons for not masturbating is because I didn't want a constant reminder of sex. I mean think about it. Abstaining from sex is hard enough, and if you're really serious about it, like I am, you really want to focus on things other than sex so it won't trigger anything in your body that will make the journey that much harder. I know for me, this is my third try being abstinent, and I can honestly say I came into this journey totally on my A game. I mean I stopped listening to foul music. I looked up foods that might make you aroused, in which I stopped eating. I put limits on what I should and should not do with men, what time periods are appropriate to do them, and what topics to focus on when the sun is up or down. Most importantly, not that I had an issue with it in the beginning, I stopped masturbating. I would just prefer not to tease myself or end up reverting back.
Abstaining from sex may look easy if a vibrator is involved, but it actually makes the journey much harder, in my opinion, if not handicap it. Think of it this way. You are use to having someone pleasure you, whether it is frequently or not. Then you decided to abstain, but you use a vibrator just a frequently as you use to have sex, which is not a crime. However, in my opinion, if you meet a guy, the vibrator can do one of two things. It can trigger something in your emotions or your body with the guy you may be seeing. For example, if things are getting hot and heavy with the man you are seeing, you might allow him to touch you a certain way that could tease you a little. You might decided that the rules you set up in which to kiss the guy you are with are irrelevant, because you subconsciously or consciously want him physically. You might even go as far as to second guess yourself as to the limits you will go to get that much closer to him physically. Once you know it, you'll be fantasizing about the guy you secretly want to have and that vibrator won't do the trick. Now self control is self control, that I do believe. However, don't you think the journey would be a lot easier if you eliminate all aspects of sex rather than giving into a few to suddenly in the end find the journey to be too difficult to handle. In my opinion, if a vibrator is involved and/or used frequently, the chances of completing your abstinent goal is scarce. Having the vibrator in general puts sex in your life (in which you are trying to abstain). So you may negotiate doing oral rather than penetration. It's just a backslide in my opinion and it doesn't trick the mind.
What I'm trying to say is, hormones or uncontrollable hormones are a mind thing. Just because you are feeding the body with your vibrator doesn't mean you are tricking the mind. You have to starve the mind in order to get postitive results. That's what I did. I knew going into this journey the third time around (yes the first and second time did not work)it would require me to make some major changes.
What do you think about masturbation in regards to abstinence?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Love and Happiness
I got into a conversation with a coworker of mine from work and she too is thinking about marriage. She's a year younger than me, but she's been in a relationship with the man she's with since highschool. Even though she does not plan on spending the rest of her life with him, and even broke up with him the same day, she said that she wasn't into sleeping around with as many men possible just to have a good time. She also isn't interested in going to clubs for the sake of rubbing up against guys. As she was discussing what she wanted it really made me feel less of an outcast. I guess I allow my free spirited friends to put craziness in my head, but like me, she's gone through love, lost, heartbreak, and right now she just feels like committing to just one guy is better than sleeping around with more than one.
What I realized speaking to her and having these deep meaningless conversations with my free spirited friends is that her and I have more experience with love. For us, love has slapped us in the face, because of our immaturity and now we just want to grow up and experience the same feeling in a more healthy way. For my free spirited friends, they have never been in love. They have no idea what it feels like to give an emotional part of yourself and it feeling like the most precious thing in the world. There are much more beautiful and pleasurable things in the world other than great sex. As of right now I intend to find it.
What I realized speaking to her and having these deep meaningless conversations with my free spirited friends is that her and I have more experience with love. For us, love has slapped us in the face, because of our immaturity and now we just want to grow up and experience the same feeling in a more healthy way. For my free spirited friends, they have never been in love. They have no idea what it feels like to give an emotional part of yourself and it feeling like the most precious thing in the world. There are much more beautiful and pleasurable things in the world other than great sex. As of right now I intend to find it.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Power of Vagina
THE POWER OF THE VAGINA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yegDenVT_Kw
I found this link searching around youtube. I get a lot of heat about how I take sex too literally, that my abstinence is silly, and that I don't know men. Well they are right about one thing I'm no expert on the male psychic, but I stumbled on this video that corrected everything I've been saying about men, women, sex and disasters.
Now the guy in this video is a little silly, and if you browse the rest of his videos he seems pretty much like a dog. It's a little annoying, but he is the typical guy women usually go for. His personality seems charming, which is why I took what he was saying literally, lol. Sort of like the typical guy living the good life being good looking, charismatic, and scoring as many women he can to compete with his friends.
Anyway he said some really good things about how sex determines a man's decision making in relationships. His example was, if a man was dating two women he will decipher who he would spend the most time with by the amount of sex and good sex he can get from them. If the first woman that he's dating is a woman he doesn't see a future with, but the sex is great then he will keep her around. If the second woman he dates is a nice woman who does not give him great sex then he will move on from her and focus on the first woman. It's a ridiculous concept how much sex plays on relatioships. Imagine dating someone you don't care for just because the sex was good. How awful. Imagine being the woman led on to believe that the man you are sleeping with actually likes you, but just likes your sex.
The power of vagina is what he calls it. Sex in general must be a very powerful thing if it drives so many people, men in particular, crazy. I guess vagina will makes a man want do anything; lie, cheat, play, the list is endless. Anyway check it out it's a very informational video. It made me appreciate being abstinent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yegDenVT_Kw
I found this link searching around youtube. I get a lot of heat about how I take sex too literally, that my abstinence is silly, and that I don't know men. Well they are right about one thing I'm no expert on the male psychic, but I stumbled on this video that corrected everything I've been saying about men, women, sex and disasters.
Now the guy in this video is a little silly, and if you browse the rest of his videos he seems pretty much like a dog. It's a little annoying, but he is the typical guy women usually go for. His personality seems charming, which is why I took what he was saying literally, lol. Sort of like the typical guy living the good life being good looking, charismatic, and scoring as many women he can to compete with his friends.
Anyway he said some really good things about how sex determines a man's decision making in relationships. His example was, if a man was dating two women he will decipher who he would spend the most time with by the amount of sex and good sex he can get from them. If the first woman that he's dating is a woman he doesn't see a future with, but the sex is great then he will keep her around. If the second woman he dates is a nice woman who does not give him great sex then he will move on from her and focus on the first woman. It's a ridiculous concept how much sex plays on relatioships. Imagine dating someone you don't care for just because the sex was good. How awful. Imagine being the woman led on to believe that the man you are sleeping with actually likes you, but just likes your sex.
The power of vagina is what he calls it. Sex in general must be a very powerful thing if it drives so many people, men in particular, crazy. I guess vagina will makes a man want do anything; lie, cheat, play, the list is endless. Anyway check it out it's a very informational video. It made me appreciate being abstinent.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sex Dream/ Worst Case Scenario
Sex dreams have been very common since I've been abstinent. I've just been getting them recently toward the end of my year. Before I stopped having sex I did not have sex dreams what so ever. Now that I'm trying not to have sex it's like I get a sex dream twice a month.
Last night I had a sex dream about a guy I met, not someone I know, but I guess an image of what I'm usually attracted to, and had a one night stand with. It took place in this BEAUTIFUL apartment (I guess my dream apartment completely furnished with Indian silks almost like I was in a palace. Soooo gorgeous) that I called my own. I don't want to relish the apartment, but wow! There were no modern furniture. The chairs where bean bags and the tables only stood as high as coffee tables. There were different colored sheets everywhere; purple, orange, red, pink, so amazing. Like, my mind got it right, that was in fact my dream apartment. Dream as in never going to happen, but wow!
Anyway, the dream started off so smooth. I was totally in agreement to have a one night stand with this guy. I mean I didn't argue, I didn't fight, nothing. I was completely submissive. I just smiled and walked him inside the complex. I didn't even tell him that I was abstinent, and when the act began I didn't stop it. It was completely out of my character it was almost like it wasn't me. It wasn't like one of those dreams where I could see myself doing something. It was definitely me, in body.
I remember thinking to myself that I was going to take this act to the grave and no one would know about it. I said to myself that I was going to continue living as an abstinent woman, with the exception of this one night stand. That was totally out of my character. I've never even had a one night stand before, and here I was thinking that I was going to do it and lie to myself that it didn't happen. I didn't even get the guys name. What?!
To continue the dream, we were enjoying ourselves, when a short time later he peeped out of the window to find his....guess what....girlfriend outside looking from below my building like she was waiting for him to look. She was stalking him. He popped up and rushed out the house to aid her.
So I guess you could call this a sex dream, but I would also call it my worst case scenerio. My biggest fear when entering a sexual relationship is that he could have a girlfriend. I mean, that's what happen with my ex. He persuaded me to enter a sexual relationship completely built on dating, when he had a girlfriend the whole time. He loved that girl too. Yup, we had a great little romance during the holidays, but once he got back to school he revisited his girlfriend and completely ditched me. And when I say ditch I don't mean he dumped me. No he just stopped calling and that was it. It's amazing the dumb things we do when we're young.
So yeah that dream was definitely a creation of my worst fear, and named one of the reasons why I went abstinent in the first place.
Stay tuned, I'm sure there will be more sex dreams to come. Nothing will be detailed to graph the actual act, because that's not relevant.
Last night I had a sex dream about a guy I met, not someone I know, but I guess an image of what I'm usually attracted to, and had a one night stand with. It took place in this BEAUTIFUL apartment (I guess my dream apartment completely furnished with Indian silks almost like I was in a palace. Soooo gorgeous) that I called my own. I don't want to relish the apartment, but wow! There were no modern furniture. The chairs where bean bags and the tables only stood as high as coffee tables. There were different colored sheets everywhere; purple, orange, red, pink, so amazing. Like, my mind got it right, that was in fact my dream apartment. Dream as in never going to happen, but wow!
Anyway, the dream started off so smooth. I was totally in agreement to have a one night stand with this guy. I mean I didn't argue, I didn't fight, nothing. I was completely submissive. I just smiled and walked him inside the complex. I didn't even tell him that I was abstinent, and when the act began I didn't stop it. It was completely out of my character it was almost like it wasn't me. It wasn't like one of those dreams where I could see myself doing something. It was definitely me, in body.
I remember thinking to myself that I was going to take this act to the grave and no one would know about it. I said to myself that I was going to continue living as an abstinent woman, with the exception of this one night stand. That was totally out of my character. I've never even had a one night stand before, and here I was thinking that I was going to do it and lie to myself that it didn't happen. I didn't even get the guys name. What?!
To continue the dream, we were enjoying ourselves, when a short time later he peeped out of the window to find his....guess what....girlfriend outside looking from below my building like she was waiting for him to look. She was stalking him. He popped up and rushed out the house to aid her.
So I guess you could call this a sex dream, but I would also call it my worst case scenerio. My biggest fear when entering a sexual relationship is that he could have a girlfriend. I mean, that's what happen with my ex. He persuaded me to enter a sexual relationship completely built on dating, when he had a girlfriend the whole time. He loved that girl too. Yup, we had a great little romance during the holidays, but once he got back to school he revisited his girlfriend and completely ditched me. And when I say ditch I don't mean he dumped me. No he just stopped calling and that was it. It's amazing the dumb things we do when we're young.
So yeah that dream was definitely a creation of my worst fear, and named one of the reasons why I went abstinent in the first place.
Stay tuned, I'm sure there will be more sex dreams to come. Nothing will be detailed to graph the actual act, because that's not relevant.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Abstinence Loses Friends
With any journey, you can always expect to lose a friend or two. With this journey I found myself not having anything in common with my old friends anymore. Before I became abstinent I was very liberal about sex. My friends and I use to go to eachother's rooms and gossip about our sexual quest. We prided ourselves on conquering sex with men we barely knew, and then laugh when they would call or text us asking for more. Men to use were like a revolving door. We were just trying to play the game and be pleasured by as many guys as possible.
I definitely played the game wrong lol. The girls I use to hang with were very good a detaching their emotions away from physical need. They were so numb to sleeping around that they would forget who they slept with or his name. I, very conscious of my emotions, had difficulty detaching my emotions from sex as I have trouble detaching my emotions from anything. I guess you could say I tried to keep up with my friends, who I idled as the eye of liberation, but I not like them. I tried, lol, but I was not like them. Sleeping around with guys who really did not care about me personally hurt. It really hurt my confidence and it made me feel like I really was nothing but a booty call. That sex was the only thing I was good for.
I use to look a couples all the time when I made visits off campus, or watch couples in school happily in love, and I envied that. I was confused. I thought that by having sex and playing the game I could win my prince charming. Lol no! The women in these couples I saw were with some really good men. The guys I was with....were not interested. They only cared about getting what they wanted, not about me.
Soooo I got out! My friends don't really understand why I've become so serious about sex and finding a committed relationship. I've tried to explain, but it hasn't really gotten me anywhere except a couple laughs and snickers. I won't totally lie and say I don't judge them as much as they judge me now, which brings me back to my point that with any journey, whether you're going natural, quitting smoking, quitting drinking, etc; you will often find yourself looking your support system...your friends. My advice, in which I am taking myself, is to find new ones who will understand you. It's a lot easier having friends you have something in common with than have friends you don't.
I definitely played the game wrong lol. The girls I use to hang with were very good a detaching their emotions away from physical need. They were so numb to sleeping around that they would forget who they slept with or his name. I, very conscious of my emotions, had difficulty detaching my emotions from sex as I have trouble detaching my emotions from anything. I guess you could say I tried to keep up with my friends, who I idled as the eye of liberation, but I not like them. I tried, lol, but I was not like them. Sleeping around with guys who really did not care about me personally hurt. It really hurt my confidence and it made me feel like I really was nothing but a booty call. That sex was the only thing I was good for.
I use to look a couples all the time when I made visits off campus, or watch couples in school happily in love, and I envied that. I was confused. I thought that by having sex and playing the game I could win my prince charming. Lol no! The women in these couples I saw were with some really good men. The guys I was with....were not interested. They only cared about getting what they wanted, not about me.
Soooo I got out! My friends don't really understand why I've become so serious about sex and finding a committed relationship. I've tried to explain, but it hasn't really gotten me anywhere except a couple laughs and snickers. I won't totally lie and say I don't judge them as much as they judge me now, which brings me back to my point that with any journey, whether you're going natural, quitting smoking, quitting drinking, etc; you will often find yourself looking your support system...your friends. My advice, in which I am taking myself, is to find new ones who will understand you. It's a lot easier having friends you have something in common with than have friends you don't.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
