Sex Boundaries

A guy I've known since freshman year has also decided to embark on an abstinence journey due to his past escapades that have left him a little sour on sex and the effects it has on relationships. Him and I kept in contact in the beginning of the summer to talk about what we've learned, our struggles, and the effects abstinence has on our social lives. It's been awhile since we've spoken. I've called him here and there, but he's been living up his summer experience and I've been trying not to be a nag.

We finally got a chance to catch up with each other a couple days ago and it seems he's met a 30 year old woman, I believe married or seperated with kids, interested in him. The issue is she's more interested in him sexually than emotionally. What he has told me is that he's been a little too touchy feely with her around the private areas of her body, and she's looking to make special trips to Nashville if she can't have him in a more intimate setting where they are.

Now I'm not going to make excuses because my friend is a man. A wise woman once told me that the flesh is weak. Indeed it is. What's disappointing is my friend might end up regressing back to his man whore days when he bounced from woman to woman. I know as a friend I should have a little more faith in him, but I believe the more temptation you involve yourself in, the more likely you are to screw up. He's already crossed the line with touching. And the woman doesn't seem like she's looking for anything long term the way he described her.

So tonight I just want to discuss boundaries. Everyone has boundaries, whether it be dietary boundaries, relationship boundaries, etc. Do you kiss on the first date? How long is too long to have sex with the person you are dating? These are questions that create boundaries. My boundaries?....

I don't kiss on the first date. Or the second. My kiss is determined on how well the vibe is going. First he has to go through first date hell where I interview him on everything I need to know, such as long term goals, short term goals, religion (because as you know I am NOT religious), and relationship status. All of these things are discussed on the first date. If you pass, lol, you can move on the the next round. If you fail, I would rather not waste my time or his on something that will never get serious.

Before the summer, I dated a couple of guys here and there, but they didn't last over a month. Some, not past the first date. I've kissed two, one was forced. He got a little bold and just took the kiss. I didn't feel anything, because it wasn't special, AND he tried to give me his tongue. Which brings me to my next boundary, no tongue kissing AT ALL. Who ever said kissing leads to other things was right. If I like a guy enough to kiss him, a peck is all he gets. And if a really like him then the peck will be longer. But my flesh is took weak to allow tongue kissing. Usually when tongue kissing is involved, the person wants to explore with their hands more and take advantage of the intimate moment by feeling, grabbing, and caressing. No way I refused to get trapped. It's hard enough saying NO.

Another boundary I have is I don't chill alone with a guy when the sun comes down. This includes in the privacy of his own him, a secluded area such as the park, or chatting in the car. I only chill alone with a guy when I've known him for over a month, or I feel comfortable enough with him where he respects my abstinence and won't try anything. Usually, and this is from my experience, the guy's attitude changes when the sun goes down. It's like a warewolf affect. Let's say you're chilling at the park, the sun is up, and you're having a great time having innocent talks. The conversations are flowing, a sunset happens, and then the night comes. You can literally see the pointy ears and the red eyes coming out of the guy you're with, because all of a sudden that nice, innocent conversation leads to truth or dare games and sex questions. If you thought it was hard making a guy focus on your personality then, you'll definitely find it more difficult at night. It's wierd, it's like all of a sudden there's a hidden agenda you didn't know about and he's doing everything he can to get your mind from fuzzy ponies to talking dirty. During those moments, you'll run into some trick questions where you just want to be honest, and truthful, because you like the person (aw). But answering any perverted sex questions, even if your intent is to steer the conversation back to abstinence or relationship talk, is an epic fail, and you'll wind up stuck on a bench with a perverted man sitting next to you getting his rocks of on how good you might be in bed (ah memories).

I haven't been dating lately, so temptation hasn't really been an issue for me. But what really saves me from temptation is the first date. So for anyone having trouble with temptation I advise you to figure out what you want in your future wife or husband and write it down. Does the person want kids? What is their religious background? How do they plan on making money or a living for themselves? Are they an animal person (hint: cat or dog lover)? And most importantly, how important is sex to them in a relationship? Don't sleep with someone for over a year and you find out that they are a Jehovah witness and you are a Baptist. Don't waste years of being with someone and you find out they don't want kids or marriage (that's another thing do they see themselves getting married?). And don't marry someone who you've known all along spends money they don't have. There's so much time and energy that doesn't have to be wasted if you just ask more questions on the first date. We're not getting any younger. Save the precious time you have, figure out who you are and what you want, and then work it out with the person you're dating.