Sex Boundaries

A guy I've known since freshman year has also decided to embark on an abstinence journey due to his past escapades that have left him a little sour on sex and the effects it has on relationships. Him and I kept in contact in the beginning of the summer to talk about what we've learned, our struggles, and the effects abstinence has on our social lives. It's been awhile since we've spoken. I've called him here and there, but he's been living up his summer experience and I've been trying not to be a nag.

We finally got a chance to catch up with each other a couple days ago and it seems he's met a 30 year old woman, I believe married or seperated with kids, interested in him. The issue is she's more interested in him sexually than emotionally. What he has told me is that he's been a little too touchy feely with her around the private areas of her body, and she's looking to make special trips to Nashville if she can't have him in a more intimate setting where they are.

Now I'm not going to make excuses because my friend is a man. A wise woman once told me that the flesh is weak. Indeed it is. What's disappointing is my friend might end up regressing back to his man whore days when he bounced from woman to woman. I know as a friend I should have a little more faith in him, but I believe the more temptation you involve yourself in, the more likely you are to screw up. He's already crossed the line with touching. And the woman doesn't seem like she's looking for anything long term the way he described her.

So tonight I just want to discuss boundaries. Everyone has boundaries, whether it be dietary boundaries, relationship boundaries, etc. Do you kiss on the first date? How long is too long to have sex with the person you are dating? These are questions that create boundaries. My boundaries?....

I don't kiss on the first date. Or the second. My kiss is determined on how well the vibe is going. First he has to go through first date hell where I interview him on everything I need to know, such as long term goals, short term goals, religion (because as you know I am NOT religious), and relationship status. All of these things are discussed on the first date. If you pass, lol, you can move on the the next round. If you fail, I would rather not waste my time or his on something that will never get serious.

Before the summer, I dated a couple of guys here and there, but they didn't last over a month. Some, not past the first date. I've kissed two, one was forced. He got a little bold and just took the kiss. I didn't feel anything, because it wasn't special, AND he tried to give me his tongue. Which brings me to my next boundary, no tongue kissing AT ALL. Who ever said kissing leads to other things was right. If I like a guy enough to kiss him, a peck is all he gets. And if a really like him then the peck will be longer. But my flesh is took weak to allow tongue kissing. Usually when tongue kissing is involved, the person wants to explore with their hands more and take advantage of the intimate moment by feeling, grabbing, and caressing. No way I refused to get trapped. It's hard enough saying NO.

Another boundary I have is I don't chill alone with a guy when the sun comes down. This includes in the privacy of his own him, a secluded area such as the park, or chatting in the car. I only chill alone with a guy when I've known him for over a month, or I feel comfortable enough with him where he respects my abstinence and won't try anything. Usually, and this is from my experience, the guy's attitude changes when the sun goes down. It's like a warewolf affect. Let's say you're chilling at the park, the sun is up, and you're having a great time having innocent talks. The conversations are flowing, a sunset happens, and then the night comes. You can literally see the pointy ears and the red eyes coming out of the guy you're with, because all of a sudden that nice, innocent conversation leads to truth or dare games and sex questions. If you thought it was hard making a guy focus on your personality then, you'll definitely find it more difficult at night. It's wierd, it's like all of a sudden there's a hidden agenda you didn't know about and he's doing everything he can to get your mind from fuzzy ponies to talking dirty. During those moments, you'll run into some trick questions where you just want to be honest, and truthful, because you like the person (aw). But answering any perverted sex questions, even if your intent is to steer the conversation back to abstinence or relationship talk, is an epic fail, and you'll wind up stuck on a bench with a perverted man sitting next to you getting his rocks of on how good you might be in bed (ah memories).

I haven't been dating lately, so temptation hasn't really been an issue for me. But what really saves me from temptation is the first date. So for anyone having trouble with temptation I advise you to figure out what you want in your future wife or husband and write it down. Does the person want kids? What is their religious background? How do they plan on making money or a living for themselves? Are they an animal person (hint: cat or dog lover)? And most importantly, how important is sex to them in a relationship? Don't sleep with someone for over a year and you find out that they are a Jehovah witness and you are a Baptist. Don't waste years of being with someone and you find out they don't want kids or marriage (that's another thing do they see themselves getting married?). And don't marry someone who you've known all along spends money they don't have. There's so much time and energy that doesn't have to be wasted if you just ask more questions on the first date. We're not getting any younger. Save the precious time you have, figure out who you are and what you want, and then work it out with the person you're dating.

Masturbation YES or NO

MASTURBATION YES OR NO
Last night, before I left work, one of my coworkers asked me if I masturbated. The topic first began when she asked me if I owned a vibrator. When I told her no she was confused and rephrased the question. I answered the same way.

"So like...you don't ever have those lonely nights where you just want to touch yourself?"

"No."

"I mean, you don't masturbate at all?"

"Nope."

"That's impossible!"

"Well I use to masturbate when I was like...14."

"14! You are so lame. I would die, I have to masturbate!"

It was a laugh we shared as we were closing the store, but I explained to her that my reasons for not masturbating is because I didn't want a constant reminder of sex. I mean think about it. Abstaining from sex is hard enough, and if you're really serious about it, like I am, you really want to focus on things other than sex so it won't trigger anything in your body that will make the journey that much harder. I know for me, this is my third try being abstinent, and I can honestly say I came into this journey totally on my A game. I mean I stopped listening to foul music. I looked up foods that might make you aroused, in which I stopped eating. I put limits on what I should and should not do with men, what time periods are appropriate to do them, and what topics to focus on when the sun is up or down. Most importantly, not that I had an issue with it in the beginning, I stopped masturbating. I would just prefer not to tease myself or end up reverting back.

Abstaining from sex may look easy if a vibrator is involved, but it actually makes the journey much harder, in my opinion, if not handicap it. Think of it this way. You are use to having someone pleasure you, whether it is frequently or not. Then you decided to abstain, but you use a vibrator just a frequently as you use to have sex, which is not a crime. However, in my opinion, if you meet a guy, the vibrator can do one of two things. It can trigger something in your emotions or your body with the guy you may be seeing. For example, if things are getting hot and heavy with the man you are seeing, you might allow him to touch you a certain way that could tease you a little. You might decided that the rules you set up in which to kiss the guy you are with are irrelevant, because you subconsciously or consciously want him physically. You might even go as far as to second guess yourself as to the limits you will go to get that much closer to him physically. Once you know it, you'll be fantasizing about the guy you secretly want to have and that vibrator won't do the trick. Now self control is self control, that I do believe. However, don't you think the journey would be a lot easier if you eliminate all aspects of sex rather than giving into a few to suddenly in the end find the journey to be too difficult to handle. In my opinion, if a vibrator is involved and/or used frequently, the chances of completing your abstinent goal is scarce. Having the vibrator in general puts sex in your life (in which you are trying to abstain). So you may negotiate doing oral rather than penetration. It's just a backslide in my opinion and it doesn't trick the mind.

What I'm trying to say is, hormones or uncontrollable hormones are a mind thing. Just because you are feeding the body with your vibrator doesn't mean you are tricking the mind. You have to starve the mind in order to get postitive results. That's what I did. I knew going into this journey the third time around (yes the first and second time did not work)it would require me to make some major changes.

What do you think about masturbation in regards to abstinence?

Love and Happiness

I got into a conversation with a coworker of mine from work and she too is thinking about marriage. She's a year younger than me, but she's been in a relationship with the man she's with since highschool. Even though she does not plan on spending the rest of her life with him, and even broke up with him the same day, she said that she wasn't into sleeping around with as many men possible just to have a good time. She also isn't interested in going to clubs for the sake of rubbing up against guys. As she was discussing what she wanted it really made me feel less of an outcast. I guess I allow my free spirited friends to put craziness in my head, but like me, she's gone through love, lost, heartbreak, and right now she just feels like committing to just one guy is better than sleeping around with more than one.

What I realized speaking to her and having these deep meaningless conversations with my free spirited friends is that her and I have more experience with love. For us, love has slapped us in the face, because of our immaturity and now we just want to grow up and experience the same feeling in a more healthy way. For my free spirited friends, they have never been in love. They have no idea what it feels like to give an emotional part of yourself and it feeling like the most precious thing in the world. There are much more beautiful and pleasurable things in the world other than great sex. As of right now I intend to find it.